rigger warning: This article is about losing a child in pregnancy or infancy. It can be triggering for those who experienced child or baby loss.

One.

She was awakened by a feeling of warmth between her legs.

An unknown sensation, surprising and strange. An abdominal pain as with the worst diarrhoea.

Not knowing yet that I was pregnant, I walked the W tour in Torres del Paine, ate an underdone steak from a Patagonian cow and drank a few (deep) glasses of pisco sour. Those were such happy moments. Then I went back to Edinburgh and I was overwhelmed with incredible fatigue and emotion. On the first morning after the evening, when the two lines caused tears of joy, I got up at five o'clock and did one more test. Two lines, strong and positive. Not leaving any doubts. I didn't believe it was true.

As Elsa sang "Let it go" I felt the first wave in my lower abdomen. It was as if a clamp had tightened around the lower part of my stomach. Gently, but hard enough to hold my breath for one second and squeeze my eyes shut. Elsa continued to sing, swaying her narrow waist on the ice balcony. I kept the first contraction to myself. Another appeared even before the ice princess sang that the cold did not bother her anyway.

There is definitely something in becoming a mother that makes me feel both very isolated (read: lives of other people seem very remote and totally different to my current life) and like I belong.

I had never been afraid of newborns*. Until I had one of my own.

I’m sitting in an armchair, the Christmas tree is twinkling in the middle of our living room. She breathes irregularly, faster quick breaths, two squeaky baby dinosaur grunts followed by a deep sigh. Her legs are drawn up to her tummy, head tucked in between my breasts.

Towards the end of the first week since the little one was born I thought I would have a total breakdown. I was so weak from the infection I had during and after labour, still on antibiotics and frankly feeling sorry for myself. The question: what have we done with our life? Has crossed my mind and I’m not ashamed of it. The reality of life with a newborn for some is such that it’s completely and utterly overwhelming. For some.